How to find a Good Man, Personality Traits Vs. Character

 Christian based letters to my Grandgirls 

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Hi Girlies,  It’s been a busy season.  A season filled with family time, birthdays and lots of fun!  I so enjoyed being with you and celebrating the JOY we experience because we serve Jesus.

Today I want to share an article I just read by one of my favorite Christian writers, Henry Cloud. I’ve highlighted some of his awesome comments in this post. As you read this article, make sure you look not only at the person you are dating or want to date.  Open your eyes, test your own heart.  Do you see the character qualities needed to sustain a long-term relationship?

Henry’s words are pure gold girlies.  You’ll need to click on the link below to read more.

“Most people who date are looking for preferences rather than character. I hear people say, I want someone who’s witty. I want someone who likes to hike. I want someone who is ambitious in their career. I want someone who is good looking. I want someone who reads a lot. I want someone who is physically strong. These preferences are superficial and will not hold a couple together.

The things that cause relationships to end are things like

  • being a bad listener
  • Having unrealistic expectations
  • Irresponsible spending
  • Lack of emotional identification
  • Inability to just be real
  • Temper flare-ups
  • Perfectionism
  • Tendencies toward controlling behavior

We often rationalize these character flaws as personality quirks even though they are red flags.  When you contrast that with the comparatively lightweight nature of the criteria that we select people by — the kind of superficial traits that comprise our tastes — it starts to seem like dangerously shortsighted behavior.

What good is a witty person who can’t make you feel safe?

What good is an ambitious, career-driven person if they can’t be real with you?

What good is a person who reads a lot but doesn’t hear a word you say?

What good is a handsome or beautiful person if they are conceited, self-centered or blow up every time they don’t get their way?

Are your concrete, but ultimately superficial preferences preventing you from dating someone who could be great for you?

You will save yourself a whole lot of heartache if you consider the kinds of things you’re NOT looking for with the same weight of the things you find attractive.

Above all girls, pray that God opens your eyes to the man He has for you.  A man filled with character with a passion for God.

To read the rest of Henry Cloud’s wise words, go to his article entitled:

The Difference Between What You Want And What You Think You Want In Dating

Choose a Man After God’s Heart

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Hello my girls,

It’s been awhile since I’ve sent you a note.  Life has been busy and my writer’s brain seems set on off. 😉

But my heart for you never goes off.  I pray throughout the week that God will drop a message for you in my lap.  When the words formulate in my brain, I begin to write.  Such is the case today. 🙂

As I watch each of you living out your lives, my heart fills with JOY sometimes, and at other times sadness.  How I wish there was a fast forward button so you could see how each little choice, you make today, will affect your future.

As an older woman “Let the older women teach the younger women,” referred to in Titus 2, I come to you in humility.  I come to you as a Nana fully invested in you.  I pray you flourish, that your life shines for Jesus in this dark world.

Today’s topic, A man after God’s own heart, is heavy on my heart.  I want you to marry a godly man.  Not a good man, or a man who treats you good (while you are dating) but a man whose heart is on fire for God.


Do you know why I want this for you?  Because I know that a man who loves God will ALWAYS love you.  He will love you with the Love God puts in His heart. He will lead you because he knows his role is to be your rock. Marriage is hard, make no mistake about it. A man who loves God will weather each storm and love you through it.

Years ago, God laid it on my heart to break up with my high school boyfriend because he was not a spiritual leader. Oh, he was tall, dark, handsome, he spoiled me and was so good to me.  But God kept whispering in my heart.  He does not love God like you do.  This is not my choice.

Breaking up with my boy was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I agonized, argued, pleaded with God to change His mind.  But He was telling me, “Choose me, trust me, allow me to lead you to a man such as you never dreamed possible. You all know him as  Papa.  His love for God and his unshakeable convictions attracted me to him … well, that and his extremely good looks. LOL

Jesus gave His life for you, there is NO greater sacrifice. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”  This is what He asks of you.

Taking it one step further; don’t be fooled.  You should know that a man’s heart is revealed through his choices, his conduct, his actions. Does he give lip service to being a Christian? OR is his life transformed by the power of God.  Has he been redeemed and is he growing in his Faith?

As I ask you these questions, let me urge you to turn that light on your own heart.  A godly man seeks a godly girl.  It’s that simple.

God’s ways are not our ways, NO, they are better than anything we could ever imagine or hope for.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.” Isa. 55:8

“Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near.” Isa. 55:6

I love you, girls, I will always love you.  I cannot choose for you.  God has given each of us a free will, otherwise, we would be puppets.  I pray you choose God;  and choose a man after His heart.

because I love you,


Don’t Marry a Fixer-Upper

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Hi Girlies,

Thinking of you this morning and going back to a Lovenote I wrote you in 2016. You are all at a different place in your lives and these words will apply in a different way now. So, I’ve done a dusting up and clarifying work on this message from my heart to yours. 😉

These words are important – so very important.

The second most important decision you will ever make is choosing your life partner.

I want to urge you, “never choose a fixer-upper.” Through the years of counseling young women with stars in their eyes, I have witnessed such disappointment and utter despair when she realizes, she can’t change the guy she chose.  I don’t know what it is about us girls, but before marriage most of us think we will change our man.  There is no such thing as fixing a man after you marry him, it just never happens.

What you see is what you get.

Some of you are currently in a committed relationship. Know that this is an opportunity to study your potential life partner.

It’s so important to blow the fairy dust out of your eyes and be really honest when you look at that young man your heart is attached to.

Be brutally honest about his character. Do you have concerns?

Are their RED FLAGS?

Is he more interested in hanging with the guys than hanging with you? This does not mean he should never hang with guy friends, especially if his guy friends pour into his life and make him a better man. What I am referring to is a young man who’d rather be out with the boys than spend time with you.

Take Note:  He’s not changing!

Is he a silent knight?  One who doesn’t talk to you about what’s going on in his head? Are you left feeling alone in your heart?

Take Note: He’s not changing

Does he include you in his dreams for the future?  If no,

Take Note: He’s not changing

Does he build you up in the areas God has gifted you? If no,

Take Note: He’s not changing

Does he appreciate your efforts to please him? If not,

Take Note: He’s not changing

Do you see the love of God in him? Does he share his walk with the Lord or initiate devotions with you?  If not,

Take Note: He’s not changing

Does he love kids like you do? Do you picture him as a father who will invest his heart in his children?

Take Note: He’s not changing

My sweet girls, Seek God with all of your heart, He wants you to have the BEST in a marriage partner. He wants that partnership to reflect the Love of God.

  • Look for a young man strong in the Lord.
  • Choose a guy you respect
  • Look for a guy who’s admired by others for his character.
  • Choose a guy who is a leader, someone you would be eager to follow.
  • Look for a guy who only has eyes for you – A ‘one woman man.’

A young man who loves the Lord will take responsibility for you, your spiritual growth, emotional health, and physical protection. I am not saying he will meet all your needs. I am not saying he is super-human and can read your mind. He is human, just like you, but he will seek to lead you.

The only one who can meet all your needs is God, you must be careful not to put him in place of God. Cultivate your relationship with God through reading His love letter to you.  He deserves first place in our lives and when we honor Him; He meets all of our needs.

As you know, I’ve been a Pastor’s wife most of my life.  I’ve heard heartbreaking stories from many unhappily married women. These women married guys they thought were handsome, fun, or smart.  They ignored warning signs thinking, I’ll fix him.

The most important quality to look for in a young man is His love for God.  Does he love God with all of his heart, soul and mind?  There’s a whole lot of sadness to the one who realizes, “I married a guy who does not love God like I do.”

Girls, pray and ask Jesus to open your eyes to see HIS choice.  Never, ever, ever settle!


Know that if you want to find a godly guy,

You must be a godly girl

Only a girl with depth, wisdom, and love for God will draw and attract a godly guy.  Spend time with Jesus, Seek to know Him through His word.  Seek Wisdom, like searching for gold, and God will give it to you. Plug into opportunities to grow with other believers.

You are not prepared for a union until you are singularly whole.

Two people united in Christ are POWERFUL, fulfilled and stable!  Not perfect, mind you, but God grows them to be more like Him.

God is the glue that keeps them together

You have NO idea how much you are loved.  Your Abba Father longs to pour His blessings into your lives!  His ways are not our ways… He see’s what we do not. Go to Him my girls and find in Him everything you will ever need.  xoxo

because I love you,